


cards on the table, we're both showing hearts

by thunderylee



Category: NEWS (Japan Band)
Genre: Canon Universe, M/M, Romance, Telepathy, holiday fic, people are mean to koyama :(
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:54:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28296369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderylee/pseuds/thunderylee
Summary: This Christmas, Koyama gets the gift of telepathy.
Relationships: Kato Shigeaki/Koyama Keiichiro
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12
Collections: JE Secret Santa





	cards on the table, we're both showing hearts

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [Je_SecretSanta](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Je_SecretSanta) collection. 



> title from all of me by john legend.
> 
> **Prompt:**
> 
> One morning character A wakes up with the ability to hear everyone’s thoughts in their head. When they go to meet up with character B, they’re immediately bombarded with thoughts of how B has a gigantic crush on A before they can tell B what’s happening to them.

_“_ _Wake up and feed me!_ _”_

Koyama sits straight up in his bed from the shrill voice piercing his skull. If he couldn’t feel his heart beating wildly in his throat, he might have thought he was dreaming. Instead, he is very much awake and being screamed at by someone who was definitely not here when he went to bed last night.

He looks from side to side, but nobody’s there. Behind him, up at the ceiling, even under the bed—nothing. Besides, it’s coming from _inside his head_ , not transmitted through his ears. The closest he’s come to experiencing something like this before is the one time he wore a virtual reality gaming headset.

The disembodied voice—high-pitched and very, very loud—continues as he rubs his eyes and gets out of bed. It sounds like a female, even if Shige would scold him for making an assumption like that. The fact still stands that Koyama hasn’t had a female other than his mother in his apartment all year.

Once the initial shock wears off, he actually hears what she’s saying. _Feed me_ , over and over like an alarm, growing more panicked with each one. Laced with the words is the familiar sound of his cat meowing.

Slowly, Koyama turns toward Milk. She’s perched at the edge of his bed, pawing at him.

“Are you talking to me?” he asks her.

He feels like an idiot before the words even leave his mouth, but she doesn’t answer him. At least, not with anything more than _Feed me_.

There’s only one way to know for sure. Koyama grabs his glasses and stumbles into the kitchen to put out cat food, nearly tripping over the fluffy cat who weaves between his feet. The instant he puts down her bowl, the voice stops.

Koyama stares at her as she gobbles it up. “Does it taste good?”

She doesn’t answer. It seems that she still doesn’t understand human talk.

He spends a solid minute waiting for something else to happen, and when it doesn’t, he gets ready for work. They’re rehearsing for the Christmas special today, though Shige will be late due to his filming schedule.

It’s still early when Koyama’s manager arrives to pick him up, so there’s no one else out. It’s also very cold, but the car is nice and toasty.

_I wish he would dress warmer or something. I’m sweating balls up here!_

Koyama frowns down at his wool-lined flannel coat and glances toward the driver’s seat. His manager meets his eyes in the rearview mirror and smiles.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

_Oh god, not this again. It’s too early for his emotions._

Koyama blinks at the difference between the two voices. The question had been spoken normally, but what follows had appeared in his head much like the screeching earlier. And his manager’s lips were no longer moving.

“It’s a little warm,” Koyama says as politely as he can manage. “Could you possibly turn the heat down?”

_Is it my birthday?! Ya~y!_

“Certainly, Koyama-san.”

The hot air blasting through the vents suddenly cuts in half and Koyama tries not to shiver.

“How is that?”

“Perfect. Thank you.”

They arrive at the venue without any further incident. His manager’s voice doesn’t appear in his head until he goes to get out of the car, when he confirms the pickup time.

_Always running around during the holidays like this. I should be getting holiday pay! I have_ _better things to do_ _._

“Actually, I’m hanging out with Shige afterward,” Koyama lies smoothly. “He’ll bring me home. Enjoy your day.”

The last part comes out pointedly and he quickly gets out of the car before he has to hear any assessments about it. He’s had this particular manager for quite a while and up until now he had thought everything was fine between them. Apparently not.

Massu’s already stretching when Koyama gets to the rehearsal room, but no telepathic version of his voice appears in Koyama’s head. Koyama’s grateful for it; he doesn’t think he could handle Massu’s unfiltered critique right now.

“Good morning,” Massu says without turning away from the mirror.

“Good morning.”

Koyama watches him check his form for a few seconds, but nothing happens. Massu doesn’t pay him any mind, whether outward or inward. Even when Koyama sighs in relief and starts doing his own stretches, Massu leaves him be. He never thought he’d be so grateful for Massu’s oblivious nature before now.

Still, it feels invasive to hear people’s thoughts without their permission. It would be okay if it was just his cat, but his manager certainly hadn’t known the nasty things he was thinking weren’t just for him. Not to mention that Koyama really doesn’t want to know what people think about him if they won’t say it to his face. They keep it inside for a reason.

“Ever since I woke up this morning, I can hear other people’s thoughts. And animals.”

Massu’s eyes cut over to him in the reflection of the mirror and Koyama braces himself for an onslaught of ridicule in Massu’s head.

It doesn’t come.

“Oh really?” Massu asks instead, sounding about as interested as he is about any other topic Koyama would suddenly bring up.

“Yeah. My cat yelled at me to feed her and my manager secretly hates me.”

That has Massu frowning, which does nothing to lift Koyama’s mood. Massu’s frown feels like a black hole had just swallowed the sun.

“I hope my manager doesn’t secretly hate me,” Massu says. “I try not to be a bother but sometimes it can’t be helped.”

Koyama nods, then realizes the words coming out of Massu’s mouth are the only ones he hears.

“I can’t hear your thoughts though.”

“Probably because I’m not thinking about anything right now.”

That has Koyama pausing in his low lunge. “You can just...not think?”

“Yeah,” Massu answers easily. “It’s easy to _not_ do something, isn’t it?”

“Think about something,” Koyama says suddenly. “I want to see if it still works.”

“Okay.”

_Gyoza gyoza gyoza_.

Koyama laughs for the first time today. “Think about something less obvious! Anyone would know you were thinking about gyoza!”

_Shit, he’s telling the truth_.

Koyama almost laughs again at the bewilderment on Massu’s face that matches the words in his head. _Now_ , he has Massu’s entire attention, the younger member staring at him like he’d grown a second head—which Koyama supposes he kind of did.

_I don’t like knowing you can hear my thoughts_.

“I don’t like being able to do it,” Koyama admits, and Massu frowns even harder at having his thoughts responded to out loud. “But I don’t know how to turn it off.”

“I will just have to guard my mind,” Massu says. “Maybe it will go away.”

“We can only hope.”

The choreographer arrives then and they get to work. It’s pointless to rehearse with only two people, especially when Massu already has all the moves down. At least the choreographer’s mind seems to be focused on their work and nothing else, the counts reinforced in Koyama’s head as well as out loud.

_I don’t know how this one is still an idol. My dog can dance better than him._

Koyama frowns as he mixes up the steps yet again. “Sorry,” he mutters. “I’ll do better.”

_Yeah, right. The only reason we’re all here so damned early is because of you. If you weren’t so useless we’d be able to wait for Kato-san._

“I said I’m sorry!”

Koyama’s voice comes out so loudly that it physically hurts his throat, echoing throughout the small practice room. In the mirror, he sees Massu’s eyes widen and instantly knows that he’d reacted to the voices in his head, not anything said out loud.

Sure enough, the choreographer looks both surprised and annoyed at a seemingly unprompted outburst.

“Koyama-san, do you need a minute?”

_Naturally, he would waste even more of our time._

“No,” Koyama says as calmly as he can manage. “Let’s try again.”

“If I may,” Massu speaks up, and the other two look at him. “Koyama-kun is very susceptible to negative energy, right? So maybe the planetary alignment is messing up his coordination. Let’s think positive thoughts to combat it, okay?”

_These fucking idols, I swear. I need a new job._

Koyama hides a smile. At least the choreographer hates _both_ of them now.

_Whatever he’s thinking, ignore it! Think about all the nice thoughts our fans will have when we can perform for them again._

Koyama cringes at the possibility of hearing a fan’s thoughts—what he sees on Twitter is more than enough—but he knows Massu means well. He gives a slight nod to show Massu he understands and struggles to push the choreographer’s inner monologue to the back of his mind. Like a distant conversation on the train.

It works for the most part, though it helps to have Massu’s voice in his head too. Koyama’s even more impressed that Massu can dance and encourage him at the same time, leaving him no room for any discomfort as he nails the entire performance time after time.

_Maybe there’s hope for him after all_.

Koyama’s grinning by the time Shige arrives, proud of himself for overcoming the very low expectations made of him.

“Shige, guess what—”

_God_ damn _, his arms fill out that shirt nicely_.

Koyama stops short and tilts his head at their third member. Shige’s not even entirely awake, yawning from what was undoubtedly a power nap on the bullet train from Osaka. He can’t be getting much sleep lately, especially commuting so often.

_It should be illegal to look that fucking good with sweat dripping. I wonder if he’d be that exerted after sex_.

Heat floods Koyama’s body and not just from all the dancing. He struggles to keep it from showing on his face, but Shige’s not looking at him anyway. If he didn’t know any better, he’d think Shige was playing a joke on him with these racy thoughts, but Shige doesn’t know Koyama can hear them. Unless...

“Did you tell him?” Koyama hisses at Massu while Shige stretches.

“Tell him what?”

“That I can hear his thoughts.”

“When would I have told him that? We’ve been rehearsing ever since you told me.”

Koyama frowns at the truth of that statement. If Shige doesn’t know, that can only mean they’re his true thoughts. He really thinks about Koyama like that, even while busy and exhausted.

“Don’t tell him,” Koyama says urgently.

“I wasn’t going to.”

_This is immoral, Keiichiro_.

“I know that,” Koyama says, lowering his voice even more. “I’m going to tell him, just...not yet. What he’s thinking about...it’s embarrassing.”

_I seriously do not want to know. Please stop talking to me_.

Koyama laughs out loud. “Your thoughts are no different than what you say out loud. It’s refreshing.”

_Glad to be of service. Now respectfully go away._

Shaking his head, Koyama carefully approaches Shige. “How’s Osaka?”

“Cold,” Shige answers, his voice gruff. “Sorry I’m late.”

_Why do I always have to apologize for shit that isn’t my fault? And why must he get so close to me? I can’t concentrate with those biceps flexing in my face_.

“It’s not your fault,” Koyama tells him, taking a few steps back on impulse. “I needed the extra practice anyway.”

“I probably do too,” Shige grumbles. “I’m so out of shape.”

“By the way,” Koyama rushes to say before Shige can think anything inappropriate again. “Can you give me a ride home today? My manager had something to do.”

_That’s just like_ _your_ _manager. Not only does he complain to my manager about you, but he can’t even do his fucking job._

“He asked and I said it was fine,” Koyama goes on. “I think he wants to spend time with his family.”

_Yeah right. He’s gambling at the pachinko parlor. His wife left him_ _this past_ _summer_ _and took their child with her. I should kick his ass for taking advantage of you_.

Koyama hides his amusement at Shige kicking anyone’s ass. Shige wouldn’t hurt a fly normally, let alone when he’s low-energy like this. The most he could do is report Koyama’s manager to the jimusho and Koyama would get assigned a new one. Which Koyama should probably look into anyway. Rude thoughts are one thing, but talking shit to other managers is unforgivable.

“I’ll give you a ride,” Shige says with a sigh.

He sounds like it’s too much effort to speak out loud and Koyama wishes he could tell him he doesn’t have to without admitting to hearing _all_ of his thoughts. Their performance is tomorrow—it wouldn’t do for Shige to lose his voice, especially since he’s doing the high notes now.

“Don’t speak,” Koyama says in what he hopes is a soothing tone. “Save your voice.”

Shige just nods and they get back to work. He half-asses all the movements, but he does them on time and facing the right direction. It doesn’t escape their choreographer’s attention, though he seems to give Shige a pass for being so busy at the moment. Koyama’s glad he can be understanding to _one_ of them.

Everyone’s mind seems to calm enough for Koyama to focus on his own movements. Massu feeds positivity into his head every time he messes up and he gradually gets more used to the routine. Finally, it becomes second nature, to the point where Koyama can watch the others in the mirror too.

“Kato-san and Koyama-san were nicely in sync that time,” the choreographer tells them after the last run-through. “Let’s try to do it that way from now on.”

_That only took twenty fucking years_.

Koyama can’t argue with that thought, especially since it can be applied to more than just their symmetry. When they break for lunch, Koyama has more brain power to think about Shige’s inner thoughts and what they _mean_. Is Shige attracted to him? Why now, after all this time? Or has it _been_ this entire time?

“You’re staring at me,” Shige points out as they stuff their faces with catering—Koyama in particular since he’s trying to gain back the weight he lost. “It’s creepy to watch people while they eat, you know.”

“But you do it so gracefully,” Koyama teases him.

_I’ll show you graceful when I pound you into the mattress_.

Koyama tries to stop his face from heating up again. He knows Shige isn’t talking about fighting this time.

_I wish he would stop this bullshit fanservice. It makes me want him too much. He wouldn’t know the first thing to do with me._

“So you think,” Koyama mutters under his breath.

Shige gives him a weird look, but it’s no different than how Shige usually looks at him. It’s much less bothersome when Koyama can hear the ruminating thoughts running through his head.

_God, he looks so fucking good. I keep thinking I’ll grow out of this silly crush, but he just seems to_ _get_ _even better with age. The things those arms could do to me...maybe he would pound_ me _into the mattress instead. I’ve certainly fantasized about it both ways over the years._

Adult content aside, Koyama finds himself a little sad that Shige has kept this all to himself for so long. Shige could have told him any of this at any time in the past however-long he’s had these thoughts. Koyama’s not the type to run away when presented with someone’s feelings, no matter how unconventional they may be. He thought Shige knew that.

He really needs to tell him that he can hear them.

_Too bad it would never work out between us. We’re too different. Any kind of relationship we would try to have, even just a sexual one, would ruin our friendship and negatively affect the group. There are only three of us now. As much as I want him, we can’t chance it. So this stays in my head._

Or maybe not.

Koyama considers spending the unforeseeable future with Shige’s unknowing thoughts in his head. Who knows how long this ability will last? He could wake up tomorrow with Milk only meowing at him again. But he’ll still know Shige’s true feelings even if he can’t hear them anymore. Is he just going to pretend they don’t exist?

Yes, he answers himself. If Shige wanted him to know, he would have told him long before now. He’s respecting Shige by _not_ telling him. Right?

It’s easier when they’re rehearsing. Even if Koyama still hears Shige violating him in his mind, his own brain is too preoccupied to think too hard about it. Hopefully he can get to where he just hears it as background noise with everyone else’s candid opinions.

Shige’s manager is happy to drop Koyama off too, without a single resentful thought. He’s younger than both Koyama and Shige and seems to be grateful to have them both in his care today. His mind is strangely empty as they make their way to Koyama’s building, thinking only about driving and his plans for the rest of the day. Koyama’s glad it’s not only Massu who says what they mean and doesn’t harbor any animosity toward the other people in their company for being a burden.

While riding quietly in the backseat with Shige, who’s fast asleep and snoring adorably, Koyama wishes both his own manager and their choreographer better days. He doesn’t believe that people are inherently evil, so there had to be something in their personal lives that led to such horrible thoughts. Humanity hasn’t devolved _that_ much. Right?

“Thank you for everything.”

He speaks more emphatically than he really needs to for a simple ride home, but he’s referring to more than just this. For having such a pleasant mind, for looking out for Shige every day, even for giving his own manager an outlet to release negative feelings. Shige’s manager is genuinely a good person and now more than ever Koyama wants to appreciate that.

_You’re home! Yay! Pet me!_

Milk’s feline thoughts are much preferable to any human. Koyama curls up with her the minute he walks in the door, adhering to her wishes and relaxing with her rumbling purrs. Cats are so much better than people sometimes.

Well, maybe not _all_ people. Now that he’s not distracted by work, he has all the time and energy to think about Shige and everything he’s not supposed to know. While he understands Shige’s apprehension about changing things between them, he absolutely does not agree that it would ruin anything—their friendship _or_ the group. Even if it doesn’t work out and they go back to the way things are now, neither of them can stay mad at each other for very long.

It doesn’t even take a whole hour for Koyama to decide that he wants to be with Shige. Abstract things like love and attraction come easily to Koyama, usually triggered by the other person unlocking them like a level in a video game. Shige has always brushed off his playful flirting with a reluctant regard for fanservice, so Koyama had simply assumed they didn’t have that kind of connection. As much as the fans would love for them to.

Now, Koyama feels it. His heart reaches out for Shige’s that’s so desperately reaching out for his, a little disappointed with himself for not noticing before now. Shige’s a good actor, but now that Koyama knows the truth it seems impossible that he made it this long.

“What do you think, huh?” he asks Milk, pressing the quiet words into her soft fur. “Should we be in love with Shige?”

_Stop waking me up and pet me_ _again_.

Koyama’s laugh comes out as a sharp roar, which makes her grumble even more.

“Never stop being a cat, Milk-chan.”

_I love you, human_.

“I love you too.”

By morning, Koyama’s determined that being with Shige is on par with making the world right. It’s Christmas morning, but they don’t have to be at the venue until much later. Shige’s probably not even up yet, this being the first day he’s actually been able to sleep in since they got off quarantine.

This gives Koyama an idea. It’s a bad idea, but not in a way that will harm anyone. In fact, if it doesn’t go well, the only person who will be hurt is Koyama himself. But he’s willing to take that chance.

Before he can talk himself out of it, he rolls out of bed and into the shower. He dries his hair and gets dressed like he was just going to lie around the house—sweats and layered shirts. Definitely short sleeves on the bottom. Since Shige likes his arms so much, he has to showcase them.

He gets in his car for the first time in weeks and drives the familiar distance to Shige’s building. But before getting out, he notices a gift bag on the passenger seat from the producer of Barairo Dandy. A shiny green bow with curly ribbons is stuck to it with regular tape.

Koyama carefully peels off the bow and digs around in his console for bobby pins. Using the rearview mirror, he attaches the bow to the top of his head, as center as he can get it with his part going right down the middle, and hopes nobody sees him on his way to Shige’s front door.

Once he gets there, he quietly unlocks the door with the spare key Shige had given him for emergencies and steps inside. The apartment is deafeningly quiet, not even a heater running. He feels a little bit like the mouse his Chinese zodiac claims him to be as he takes off his shoes and pads down the hallway without making a sound. The last thing he wants to do is wake Shige up.

He needn’t have worried since Shige has earbuds in both ears. It’s cute how he snuggles up with his blankets in his most vulnerable state and Koyama thinks he could get used to seeing him like this. Not all the time, of course, but sometimes.

Shige’s taking up the entire bed as someone who’s used to sleeping by himself would, but Koyama’s thin enough to slip in on one side undetected. He has to lie on his side since his shoulders are so broad, but that just means he can see Shige better.

If watching Shige eat is creepy, watching him sleep _definitely_ is, but Koyama doesn’t care. Shige will probably be surprised to see him, but not mad. It’s not like they haven’t shared a bed before. Ironically, it was always Koyama who fought against it back then, because he was scared he’d think Shige was a pillow and try to snuggle him in his sleep.

Now he’s not scared anymore. He’d gladly snuggle Shige all day, asleep or awake. He has felt that way before yesterday, having grown into his nature as an affectionate person. He may be emotional, like his manager had said, but he doesn’t think it’s an unfavorable trait for a man to have. Not anymore.

Shige seems to sense that he’s not alone, because he starts shifting even with his earbuds in. Koyama can hear a hint of music, so the battery hasn’t run out yet. He wonders how long Shige stayed up working last night that the Bluetooth charge is still going strong.

Then he wonders why he can’t hear Shige dream. Everyone dreams, even if they don’t remember it. He’s heard Shige talk about having strange dreams before, particularly when he’s stressed or ate something spicy before bed, so there’s a good chance he’s dreaming right now. But Koyama hears nothing.

Come to think of it, Milk didn’t talk to him this morning either. Maybe he fed her before she got hungry enough to yell at him. He’s pretty sure she meowed at least once though. She’s typically very talkative, even if he doesn’t usually hear a Japanese translation in his head.

What if his new ability has already gone away? It’s possible it was a twenty-four hour thing like that one strain of the flu. Koyama won’t miss hearing other people’s thoughts one bit, but he might miss Shige’s a little. It was flattering to hear how much Shige wanted him without any kind of censor. Shige doesn’t praise him normally, let alone in this context. He also liked hearing Shige stand up for him, even if it was only in his head.

Koyama is pulled out of his thoughts by a low whine, Shige’s face scrunching up like he’s protesting being awake. Koyama understands the struggle very well, though it’s much different when it’s happening to someone else. His heart breaks a little at Shige fighting consciousness, even if Koyama himself is probably the reason for it. Shige’s senses know he’s there and want him to be awake.

Then Shige blinks open his eyes, and Koyama melts. He’s always thought Shige’s eyes were beautiful, the shape and the color as well as the long lashes that frame them, but seeing them now draws him in. If he wasn’t already in love before this moment, he definitely is now. Every cell in his body wants to reach out and envelop Shige in these arms he likes so much.

Shige sees him and whines again, digging one hand out from under the covers to pop the buds out of his ears.

“Why are you here?”

It’s not even really a question, the last word not raised up one bit. Shige’s voice is deeper than usual and Koyama feels it vibrated everywhere his body makes contact with the mattress. Whatever he’s feeling, he feels it even more now.

“Merry Christmas,” Koyama replies softly. His own voice is deep too, having not properly spoken yet this morning. Cooing at Milk doesn’t count.

“Merry Christmas.”

Shige’s reply is so monotone that Koyama laughs. Shige smiles a little, then rolls onto his back to stretch out. It seems to be satisfying, even if the noises he makes do things to Koyama’s already over-stimulated senses. Pleasant things.

“But why are you _here_?” Shige asks again. “In my bed.”

Koyama points to the bow on his head. “I’m your present.”

“My present.”

Koyama nods.

Shige seems to consider this. Koyama may not be able to hear his thoughts anymore, but he can almost _see_ Shige’s brain rushing to wake up and think properly. He hopes it’s thinking nice things.

“And what am I supposed to _do_ with this present?”

“Whatever you want.”

Shige inhales sharply while Koyama holds his ground. He’s not going to back down until Shige admits what he’s been thinking. Koyama may have already heard it all in his mind, but he wants to hear it in Shige’s voice. He wants it to be consensual. He wants Shige to tell him how he feels because he genuinely wants Koyama to know.

“What if what I want is to go back to sleep?”

Koyama laughs. “Then I will snuggle you while you do so.”

“What makes you think I even want that?”

“Your heart is reaching out for me.”

Shige gives him a skeptical look, or at least as much of one as he can muster while half awake. Koyama waits for him to refute it, to act like any other time Koyama has teased him about having feelings and push him away. He’s ready for it.

“Maybe it is.”

The drastic contrast between expectations and reality seems to shift Koyama’s equilibrium, making him jerk off-balance while lying down. For a few seconds, Koyama considers the possibility that he’s imagining things, like he fell asleep and none of this is really happening, but then Shige scoots closer and slings an arm around his waist. It’s heavy.

“What are you doing?” Koyama asks breathlessly.

“Did you not just offer to snuggle me?”

“I did, but...”

“That’s just like you. You’ve done fanservice for so long that when it comes to doing something _real_ you don’t know what to do.”

Koyama blinks. If it wasn’t for Shige’s lips moving, he wouldn’t believe the words were actually coming out of his mouth instead of echoing in Koyama’s head. Shige’s raw feelings must only surface first thing in the morning.

“I know what to do,” Koyama protests, struggling to retain his breathing as he slips his own arm around Shige. Finally having him so close after so long of _nothing_ with _anyone_ is too much to process. Koyama’s feelings are overwhelming him.

“This isn’t gay chicken, Keiichiro. There aren’t any cameras around.”

Koyama forces himself to focus and finds those beautiful eyes stern as well as sleepy. He actually wishes Shige could read _his_ mind now, maybe he’d see that Koyama’s not resisting because he doesn’t really want to—but because he _does_.

“You are misunderstanding me,” Koyama gets out. “I want this. I want _you_. Let’s be together.”

There, he said it. As much as he wanted Shige to say it first, he knows that Shige’s way too stubborn to do that. Koyama needs to be the vulnerable one here, even if he’s not entirely sure what he’s saying. He feels so much that it’s hard to put into words.

“Don’t fuck with me.”

“I’m not fucking with you. I’m serious. I love you, and I know you love me too. Just say it. Holding it in is only hurting you.”

“You are so confident about how I feel. How are you so sure?”

Looking into Shige’s eyes, seeing all of the hope and insecurity he won’t say aloud, Koyama wants to tell him. Confess that he heard _everything_ Shige thought about him yesterday and feels similarly. Even if Shige doesn’t believe him, it might open the door for his honest feelings.

“I just feel it,” Koyama says instead. “You try to hide it, but it still found its way to my heart. Stop worrying about what will happen in the future and focus on the present. Even if it’s just for today, I want to be with you.”

“We have to be at the venue in like six hours,” Shige points out.

“Then we can be together for the next six hours.”

Shige looks from one of Koyama’s eyes to the other, like he’s looking for something. Whatever he finds has him relaxing into a smile.

“Of course it’s so easy to you. You have such a simple mind.”

Koyama pouts. “Don’t be mean to me when I’m in your bed.”

“That’s not a bad thing.” Shige’s sigh seems to breathe life into his body, and he closes the distance between them, his head fitting neatly on Koyama’s shoulder. “I wish I didn’t have any worries like you.”

“I have _plenty_ of worries—”

“Worries about _us_ , I mean.”

Koyama falls silent and hugs Shige as much as he can with one arm. Despite having just woken up, Shige smells nice and his body feels warm and comfortable. Shige holds him too, and it feels better than Koyama could have ever imagined. It feels _right_.

“I think I always knew, somewhere in the back of my mind, that this was meant for us,” Koyama thinks out loud. “We do a lot of fanservice, sure, but even just pretending with you was more real than anything I’ve felt with another person. My heart always comes back to you. You’re my home.”

“Saying sweet things isn’t going to make me stop worrying, you know.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m just telling you how I feel. I’m still learning it myself.”

“What do you mean?”

Shige’s fingers drift up and down Koyama’s spine like he can’t keep them still. Even though his shirt, Koyama feels every movement, a soothing touch that relaxes nerves he hadn’t known were tense.

Still, he doesn’t know how to answer Shige’s question without citing the thoughts he heard yesterday. It’s true that Koyama probably wouldn’t have come here if he wasn’t 100% positive of Shige’s feelings, or even considered them like this. At least, more than just a fleeting thought.

“I mean, I’d be a liar if I said I never thought about it,” Koyama says. “You and me. In another universe, one where we’re not idols and it’s legal for us to be together, with nothing keeping us from acting upon our true desires.”

“If we didn’t become idols, we wouldn’t have met when we did,” Shige points out.

“That may be so, but I don’t doubt that we would have found each other somehow. You’re my soulmate, Shige. I believe that with my whole heart.”

That part is true. Maybe Koyama wouldn’t have meant it in a romantic context before yesterday, but more than anything he’s sure of Shige’s permanence in his life. Somehow, that feels stronger than any kind of romantic connection.

Shige pulls back enough to press their foreheads together, his hand never leaving Koyama’s back. It’s like the touch is soothing for him as well as Koyama. Koyama lifts his own hand to Shige’s face, caresses the soft skin of Shige’s cheek with his knuckles, and falls even more in love.

“If you really don’t want to, I won’t make you,” Koyama says, his voice barely a whisper. “But don’t say no just because of what _could_ happen. Have a little more faith in us than that.”

Shige takes a deep breath and nods, then laughs in a way that shakes his whole body. “It’s like you’re inside my head, fighting my insecurities for me.”

“Not anymore,” Koyama says, then leans forward before Shige can get too confused.

He brushes their lips together and pulls back right away, not wanting to force anything like this before Shige’s ready, but Shige tightens his hold on Koyama and kisses him hard. Like he’s letting go of everything he’s been holding in for however long, and Koyama gladly accepts it. Shige’s lips feel so nice that his mind drifts away, these soft, chaste kisses more than enough to make him feel good.

Eventually, they part, and Shige sighs out whatever he feels into Koyama’s shoulder. When he pulls back, his eyes are a little misty, and Koyama’s heart aches.

“I need a minute.”

Koyama just nods. He waits patiently as Shige drags himself out of bed with what looks like all the reluctance in the world and shuffles into the bathroom. Taking the opportunity to check in with himself, Koyama finds absolutely no resistance from his brain or his heart, only desire to keep going. Whatever Shige wants, Koyama will give him, whether it’s just today or the rest of his life.

When Shige returns, he looks much more awake. His smile warms Koyama’s heart even more, and Koyama’s already holding both of his arms out invitingly. Shige laughs again and dives into them, nearly knocking Koyama out when their heads accidentally collide, but Koyama uses it as leverage to seek out Shige’s mouth again.

This time, Shige kisses back full force, waking up all of Koyama’s nerves before he even licks his way into Koyama’s mouth. Shige’s tongue feels a little spiky from the mouthwash but Koyama likes it, chasing the sensation as he wraps both arms around Shige’s body.

Shige’s hands snake their way up to his biceps, and Koyama chuckles into their kiss. He remembers Shige’s candid thoughts about his arms and flexes a little more than necessary, feeling a faint moan on his tongue in response.

He wants to pull back to tease him, but he can’t bring himself to break their kiss, especially when Shige tightens his grip and presses even closer. Instead, Koyama rolls onto his back and pulls Shige with him, letting out his own moan at the weight of Shige’s body on top of his. Shige’s hard and Koyama can feel it, rocking his hips a little to hear more of those beautiful noises.

“Kei,” Shige says suddenly, tearing his mouth away and struggling to catch his breath. “Do you really want to do this with me?”

“I just told you my feelings—”

“I mean _this_.” Shige rocks his hips pointedly and Koyama’s eyes roll back into his head with a moan of his own. “Oh, I guess you do.”

Koyama laughs quietly and grabs Shige by the hips, adjusting him so he can feel the beginning of Koyama’s erection too. Shige looks surprised at first, then his expression turns a little cocky as he gives a firm thrust that has Koyama’s thighs falling open on their own.

“Do that again,” Koyama says, and this time Koyama feels it deep inside him. “And take my clothes off already. I’m burning up.”

“Bossing me around in my own bed,” Shige mutters as he does what he’s told. “You’re my present, right? I get to do what I want with you?”

“Anything,” Koyama breathes.

Koyama’s shirt flies over his head and both of Shige’s hands splay on his chest, fingers spreading and exploring. Koyama squirms under the touch, moaning out loud when Shige bumps one of his nipples, and his next glance upward has Shige watching him intently.

“I never, _ever_ thought I could be with you like this.”

“Be with me now.”

Shige leans down to kiss him again, but Koyama’s already fisting Shige’s shirt and has to interrupt their kiss to pull it off. That just has Shige devouring him when their mouths meet again, leaving Koyama with barely enough coordination to undress Shige and touch his skin. First his back, then his chest and down his sides to his thighs, each press of his hands eliciting a shiver that Koyama emulates with his own body.

Finally, Koyama wraps his hand loosely around Shige’s cock, and Shige’s breath hitches. Shige doesn’t stop kissing him, though he moves a little faster, hips starting to rock into Koyama’s touch for some kind of friction.

Having Shige so worked up on top of him makes Koyama want him even more, spreading his legs enough for Shige to settle between them as he feels the thick length in his fingers.

“Do you have any lube?” he asks when Shige lets him up for air.

Shige’s eyes pop open like he’d forced them to, staring at Koyama in a mixture of disbelief and hope. “You want that from me?”

“Are you kidding? I can’t think about anything else right now.”

Shige lets out a low groan that Koyama feels in his entire body, then pulls away just far enough to reach over into the nightstand. He returns with a tube of KY and a condom and Koyama chokes on his next breath, the reality of the situation weighing him down more than Shige’s weight.

“Haven’t you done this before?” Shige asks, now eyeing him skeptically. “I distinctly remember you dating men more than once. Why do you look so terrified?”

“I have done it,” Koyama answers. “It’s been a long time though. I guess I’m nervous about doing it again.”

“We don’t have to—”

“I absolutely want to. I mean, if you want to. It can be your present to me.”

Shige’s face breaks out into a grin. “I did get you a real present, you know.”

“I got you one too,” Koyama tells him. “But I’d rather have you.”

“All of me?”

“All of you.”

Shige keeps their eyes locked as he spreads the lube on three of his fingers, then makes his way up Koyama’s thigh. He’s going slower than he needs to, particularly when he reaches the jumpy ring of muscle that has Koyama jerking beneath him, but he doesn’t rush. Koyama’s a little glad for it, his nerves calming down the more Shige touches him like this, even if they’re instantly replaced with arousal.

“Okay?” Shige asks.

“Okay.”

“Can I put one inside?”

“Yeah.”

Koyama closes his eyes as he feels the small penetration, just enough to make him want more. His body rocks on its own and Shige makes a pleased noise, which has Koyama reaching for him and pulling him back down into his mouth.

Now Koyama’s the one who’s kissing hurriedly, taking out his urges on Shige’s mouth and Shige gives it right back. If Koyama had thought about it before now, he’d expect Shige to be a powerful kisser, even if he’s not thinking about very much at the moment. Living it is much better.

Shige stretches him enough for a second finger and Koyama’s moans die on Shige’s tongue. There’s a particular place Koyama wants to be touched deep inside and he squirms until Shige brushes it with his fingertips, his own fingers digging into Shige’s arm to keep him right where he is.

“You’re gonna bruise me,” Shige says between kisses, and Koyama snatches his hand away.

“I’m so sorry—”

“I don’t mind, just keep it where no one can see, okay? I still have to wear short sleeves for my drama.”

Koyama frowns. “I don’t want to hurt you anywhere.”

“It doesn’t hurt. It feels nice while you grab me tightly like that. I like to feel your strength like this.”

Koyama remembers Shige’s appreciation of his arms and relaxes a little. “Well, if you like it...”

He lowers his hands to Shige’s waist and redirects the pressure there, arching when Shige grinds against his hipbone. He leaves a smear of precome on Koyama’s skin and Koyama moans..

“Can you feel how much I like it?”

“Yeah.”

Then Shige starts to push in the third finger and Koyama comes alive, pushing back like he’s already getting fucked. Shige rocks with him, struggling to keep kissing properly until he inevitably gives up and presses his mouth into Koyama’s neck instead. This feels just as nice, leaving Koyama free to moan out loud.

“Sorry,” he says when he realizes it. “I’ll try to be quiet.”

“You don’t have to be. I love your voice. Especially when I’m making you react like this.”

Shige’s words are even hotter pressed into his neck like this, followed by his lips and sometimes even his tongue. Koyama’s so turned on that he can’t think, only feel as Shige stimulates him in at least three different ways at the same time. And it’s only going to get better from here.

Koyama’s ready to crawl out of his skin by the time Shige pulls his fingers out and fumbles with the condom. Once it’s on, he settles between Koyama’s legs that Koyama pulls up to his chest and lines himself up.

“I love you so much,” Shige says clearly, staring right into Koyama’s hooded eyes as he says it, and pushes in.

Koyama almost cries as Shige fills him, but not from any kind of pain. His heart is ready to explode even more than his body is and he wraps both his arms and legs around Shige, holding him as close as he can while folded up like this. Shige can’t reach his mouth anymore, but that doesn’t deter him from kissing all over Koyama’s neck and collarbone, touching him all over as they both adjust.

Koyama’s body relaxes faster than he expected it to, every cell pleading for Shige to move. Koyama tests it with a small rock of his hips and feels nothing but pleasure, so he clamps his hands firmly onto Shige’s hips, urging him to get to work.

“You feel so good,” Shige murmurs against his skin, followed by a moan as he gives a shallow thrust. “Oh my _god_ , Kei.”

“Fuck me, Shige,” Koyama gets out, not one ounce of shame in his body at speaking the words. “I wanna feel you deep inside me. Don’t worry about doing it too hard—I’ll let you know if it starts to hurt.”

“I love you,” is all Shige says, the words coming out like a mantra as he starts to move. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

It’s music to Koyama’s ears, an accompaniment to everything Shige’s making him feel, physical and emotional. Shige’s weighing him down so much that he can barely move on his own, so he just holds on and lets Shige make love to him on Christmas morning.

Shige’s words fade into an incoherent moan and it takes Koyama even higher, pleased that he can make Shige feel so good like this. It’s like they’re feeding off of each other, the endless cycle of pleasure that Koyama thinks sex should be. Or maybe he and Shige are just connected that way too.

He never wants this to end, especially if it’s only going to be for today, but his need becomes too strong. One of his hands detaches from Shige’s back on its own and pushes between their sweat-slicked bodies, curling around his cock and stroking like he’s by himself.

It takes a minute for Shige to notice, pulled out of his own blissful reverie by Koyama’s escalating whimpers. Koyama can tell the exact second Shige figures it out because he thrusts even harder, his own hands clinging to Koyama like he’s not already as close as humanly possible.

“Let me do that,” Shige says, his words coming out strange like he’s forcing them out, and Koyama finds his wrist gently tugged on. “I wanna make you come.”

“I won’t stop you,” Koyama tells him, his breaths coming faster and more heavily. “I’m really close though.”

“Good.”

Koyama’s next moan tears from his lungs as Shige takes him in hand, giving him no time to adjust before squeezing him and moving up and down in time with his thrusts. It’s not slow by any means, bringing Koyama to the edge faster than he can keep up, and it feels like his orgasm is yanked out of him, leaving him shaking and gasping for air.

“Do you want me to stop?”

Koyama shakes his head without really processing the question. Unable to speak, he urges Shige to keep going with both hands on his hips, using what little strength he has to urge him on. Shige must have been holding back, because immediately he loses his breath and lets out a strained moan.

“I’m gonna come.”

He jerks almost violently on top of Koyama and Koyama holds him through it, gently stroking his spine much like Shige had done to him before. Then they both fall still, only their rapid breaths and heartbeats actively moving, and Koyama finds the energy to turn his head enough to press a kiss to Shige’s forehead.

“I love you too,” he replies.

Shige starts laughing, and Koyama’s a little offended until he has an urge to laugh too. Perhaps it’s the situation that’s so funny, or the fact that it took them so long to get here, or even simply the weird noise their chests make when Shige pries them apart enough to pull out. Laughing after sex feels right like this, in this place with this person on this day that Koyama will never forget as long as his lives.

He watches Shige stretch and dispose of the condom, rolling over to curl up against his side when he starts to frown.

“None of that,” Koyama says, guiding Shige’s face toward his for a light kiss. Neither of them has the energy for anything more. “Whatever you’re thinking, stop it.”

“I can’t just _stop_ thinking, Kei.”

“Well, ignore it for at least a little bit. Let’s enjoy what we just did together.”

Shige breathes deeply like it’s the first time he’s been able to in quite a while. “I do feel really good.”

“I’m glad. Me too.”

“I don’t want this to be the only time we do that though.”

“So it won’t be.”

“Is it that simple?”

“Yes, it is.”

Shige loosely slings an arm around Koyama and pulls him closer. Koyama can hear Shige’s heartbeat thumping against his ear and wills it to calm down as much as he can. In case the power of his mind isn’t enough, he runs his hand along Shige’s belly.

“What are you doing?”

“Comforting you.”

“By rubbing my stomach?”

“It feels calming when I do it myself.”

“You are strange, Keiichiro.”

“You love me anyway.”

Koyama leans up enough to stare him down, daring him to deny it now that it’s not about physical gratification.

“Yeah,” Shige says reluctantly. “I do.”

“So...” Koyama wraps his arm around Shige’s middle and hugs him properly. “Can we at least try?”

“Try what?”

“Being together. Officially.”

“Are you asking me to be your boyfriend?”

Shige’s tone is a little sarcastic and Koyama digs his fingers into Shige’s sides until he yelps.

“I’m asking you to be with me how you truly want to. If you want to lie to everyone else, that’s fine, but don’t lie to me.”

Shige’s eyes soften under Koyama’s scrutiny. “Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Koyama grins and kisses him again, this time with more energy.

“You know,” Shige says a few minutes later, “we still have a good number of hours before we have to be anywhere.”

Koyama groans low in his throat at the possibility of going _again_ , then notices how Shige’s energy is completely drained.

“You want to go back to sleep, don’t you?”

“You read my mind.”

Koyama almost laughs at the irony. Not this time.


End file.
